My parents have been married for 43 years, my brother and his wife — 19 years, my grandparents — 65 years. I do not and did not understand divorce. As a matter of fact, I don’t believe in it. In my culture, people don’t get divorced- they just don’t. You stick it out, even if you’re both unhappy because the shame and guilt that comes with it can be overwhelming. You are shunned. No one gets married thinking they’d get divorced, certainly not me. I have spent my entire life being the “good girl,” following the rules and the straight path, the one set out for me by everyone else. I spent most of my life living to achieve goals and I persisted until all of them were reached. I spent my life trying to get approval, to be accepted, to be wanted by people whose expectations were based outside of reality. Goalposts were moved over and over again and I thought the problem was me. I failed at nothing- until I felt like I failed at everything.
I was an overachiever my entire life. I did what I was told. I told myself that I needed to be perfect to be loved. I lived to make everyone else happy, to live up to standards set so high that I lost track of myself. Then I woke up one day, looked at the woman staring back at me and didn’t recognize her.
My skin was dull, my hair was thin, my body was tense with stress and the light of my soul was dull. I gave so much to so many people and had nothing left of me. For 8 years of my life, I was his little wife. My only purpose was to support him, help him achieve whatever he dreamt and to continue giving, never asking for anything in return. It killed me inside.
Some might say I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, etc. It took 2 years of sitting in darkness, in tears, soul searching, digging to the depths of hell and pulling myself back out on my own, then spiritually awakening, for me to realize that I am so much more than a title. It took stripping myself down to my soul for me to understand that I deserve so much more and this life that I was gifted is just now beginning.
Here are some things I learned from my divorce:
1. A ring, won’t change the relationship. He’s going to be the same man he was before the ring
- You can’t change a man or anyone for that matter, no matter how hard you try. You can’t change a person’s innate personality. As women, we sometimes pick up “projects.” We want to be the one to change him, to reform him, to heal his wounds and to mold him into the perfect man we imagine spending the rest of our lives with. We think we are the exception to the rule, we’re not.
- I need you to understand this, if he treated you poorly before the wedding, he will treat you poorly after. You don’t get married for the ring — you get married because you want forever. You want someone who will walk through life with you, as your partner through the good and the bad, the ugly, sad, dirty and happiest moments of your lives. The point of getting married is because you want that person to be your forever person. If you can’t wholeheartedly say that about someone, then don’t get married.
2. There is no such thing as the right “ONE.”
- When we’re young and “in love” we spend so much time focused on the excitement and butterflies in our stomachs, we miss the red flags, the character flaws, the values and qualities that don’t match and that we ourselves know we cannot be happy without. We focus on the “happily ever after,” and ignore reality. Until you know what it is you are looking for, what it is that you want and where it is you’re going, you shouldn’t intertwine your lives with someone else. There is no one perfect person. Marriage and relationships take work. They take BOTH people working together to achieve the same goals, both putting in the effort to grow individually and together, and both people choosing each other over and over again.
3. Love Yourself
- As a mother and a woman, I was taught from a young age to be the caretaker, the nurturer, the one who is responsible for everyone’s happiness in the family. I have spoken to so many friends who lost their way in their relationship, who lost who they were. When the marriage ended, they had no friends, no true support system and no financial means to provide for their children. We get so lost in our role of nurturer and give so much of ourselves, we are often taken for granted. We lose ourselves.
- If you can’t put yourself first, if you can’t meet your most basic needs and if your significant other isn’t giving you room for you to love yourself, then no relationship will survive. We all need to love ourselves enough to ask for what we need and then demand the time to fulfill those needs.
4. Sometimes, you have to learn to Let Go
- We all want to be loved, to love and to feel true happiness. Sometimes, no matter how much we wish for something, it’s really not meant to be. I am a firm believer that no one enters your life by accident and that everyone has a role to play in your life. We might not always like the role someone plays, but the lessons learned are what makes us better people and allows our souls to grow and fulfill its purpose.
- I won’t lie, I fought against a divorce. I didn’t want it. I wanted an intact family for my son. I wanted him to have the “perfect” family — a home filled with love and laughter. I wanted him to have an example of a long lasting healthy and happy relationship. What I realized through my own healing was that his father was not the man that could play that role in my life. I had to learn to let go of that dream, mourn it and then open myself up to the possibility that one day I can hopefully have that and model that relationship for him, with someone else. We all need to learn to let go at some point and allow the season of someone entering our lives to end.
5. Love doesn’t equal compatibility
- If you’re not on the same page, it won’t work — no matter how hard you try. It comes back to having the same goals, wanting to go in the same direction, the ability to have open, honest communication and then realizing you are compatible in your thinking, wants and needs.
Relationships take a ton of work, they’re complicated, messy and ever changing. People continue to change, life throws curve balls so when you say you love someone, there needs to be action behind it. Relationships take love, honesty, commitment, dedication, patience, communication, and determination. Sometimes you just marry the wrong person and that’s OK. You have to heal and learn from it
Divorce is hard. You mourn the same as when you lose a loved one to death. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but without it, I wouldn’t have found the true me. I am not someone to be shunned because life took me down a path that led to a broken marriage. I am not someone to be pushed aside because I have a son. I am more. I am finally in a place where the guilt, shame and fear no longer torment me. I feel good, I feel free, I feel like I can finally show the world who I am without worrying about their opinion of me. I now know the legacy I want to leave when I take my last breath and I need no one’s approval. I want to live my life on my terms, love on my terms because when it’s time to leave this Earth, I want to leave it with no regrets knowing I left imprints in the hearts and lives of others. Knowing I lived my truth, spoke my truth and brought someone some happiness.
Life doesn’t always look the way we want it to but in between the messy, crazy , not black and white, confusing and scary chapters, there are moments that make it all worthwhile. In the end, my heart, my soul, God, the Universe — whatever you want to call it — is guiding my way. And I am ready for more. I believe in second chances. I am going to write this next chapter of my life, a little beaten down, wiser, softer and filled with love.
